10 things i wish i could eat

Ugh.

My lactose intolerance has hit a new low. Here are 10 things I wish I could still eat.

10. hot lips cheese pizza
9. ice cream
8. milk shakes
7. cat
6. macaroni and cheese
5. enchiladas
4. white chocolate mocha
3. whipped cream
2. cream cheese
1. cheese bread

party foul

Top ten most awkward things you can do at a bar.

10. yawn
9. sneeze
8. tie your shoes on the dance floor
7. dance with a cigarette, stop trying to kill yourself and everyone around you. my hoody is a polyester blend and i care about it deeply. keep your cancer stick to yourself.
6. stealing someone's drink off a table while the owner of said drink is dancing. this one is for you kettle-one-lemon-drop-stealing-d-bag.
5. hitting on the bartender and thinking he is actually into you. he's not. he's trying to pay the bills.
4. trying to dance with someone when they are clearly dancing/making out with someone else.
3. dressing like a total whore when the bar is just a chill hang out spot, wait scrap that dressing like a total whore whenever, never cool. ps its cold out, invest in a jacket.
2. not washing your hands after leaving the bathroom. this is a gay bar, there aren't any doors. i just saw you and removed your name from my dance card.
1. be old.

no bueno

Hi Diary,

Every time I drive to school or go to work, I feel like I think of a new thing that annoys me or that should die in a fire. It might be more optimistic to write about 10 things I love about spring time, but whatever.

Things that have been annoying me:

1. Transitions lenses (thanks to Sarah for the tip). So let me speak on it. First of all, transitions lenses never quite go back to clear after being outside. Which makes the wearers of these said glasses look like total douche bags. They are also completely unnecessary. Other options are contacts or switching between prescription glasses and prescription sunglasses. Both of these options are better than looking like some ass monkey from the future. Image compliments of www.gkbhitech.com

2. Leather cell phone protectors - Sick. The only people that use these are over 50 years old and wear leather jackets. They usually have hella-old phones and aren't very good at using them. Personally, I would rather have my cell phone breathe the open air, than "protect" it with some germ invested plastic/cow combo. 

3. Indoor plants. People have a hard time doing indoor plants in a tasteful and restrained manner. There is a building at PSU that is overrun with indoor plants, that are extremely large and very pre-historic looking. It's like I don't need to see some brontosaurus munching on foliage next to me while I'm trying to figure out my geometry proof.

4. Camping. I HATE camping. I am very lucky not to be homeless, so in my free time I don't want to pretend that I am. Hey guys, let's heat some beans over the fire and try to pee in the woods. Yeah! Next, let's go steal a shopping cart!

5. Talk radio. Why is it that everyone that is on in the radio in the morning sound like they were raised as a hick with a 4th grade education. There are always three characters: the opinionated ass-hole, the goofy dumb-ass, and the clueless, slutty girl. I don't get care about your problems. Which is why I only listen to NPR in the morning.

6. Missionaries. I've touched on this before, and yet they still really bother me. Today I ran into a girl from high school whom I haven't seen in quite awhile. She informed me that she is now working as a missionary. Me: Why aren't you in Africa? Her: I am working for Campus Crusade for Christ. Me: Why are you working at Starbucks? Her: Raising money for the Lord. Me: Sick.

Missionaries are like someone watching you cook a meal in the kitchen that you are making for yourself. They try to tell you to turn the heat down and add more salt. That's when you have to turn around, elbow them in the neck and say back the f*&% off. 

Hills run down

Hey Diary,

Did you watch the hills last night??!!?? Loved it!

Here's a run down of what happened!

1. Lauren continues to struggle with her side bangs, experimenting with different forms of braiding to keep them off her face. It's hard enough to struggle with side bangs, but to do so in front of the nation must be torture.

2. Audrina feels like an outsider because her boyfriend is a loser, well at least he used to be. She also resides in the guest house of the mansion that the three girls share. I can see where Lauren is coming from because it is hard to be fake nice and ask how things are going when you know your friend knows that you hate her boyfriend.

3. Justine Booby actually made a good point that Audrina should feel comfortable in her own home and not singled out. But guess what JB, it takes more than one shining moment to make up for leading Audrina along, cheating on her and giving her lines like "time reveals all."

4. Audrina also claims to have never used the kitchen, because she always goes out. Must be nice bitch!

5. Spencer is still living with his sister, and not cleaning up after himself. What does this kid do all day? Ugh, he could start with a haircut and a lobotomy.

6. So now Heidi wants to go to Vegas? "I need to get away and think." Umm, who goes to Las Vegas to clear their head, the place of over-stimulation? How about go home to Colorado and see your family who wants only the best for you.

7. How do Lauren, Lo and Audrina afford their Hollywood mansion? My guess is that they are all getting paid for the show, plus they have lame jobs, plus their parents are loaded. That should cover it.

8. Heidi's boss is super creepy. Heidi will go into his office to say she is committed to the company and he instantly promotes her?!? Get a girlfriend.

9. Lo needs to stop being such a bitch. It's not third grade anymore, Lauren has more than one friend now. You need to share her.

10. And where has Brody been? He is HOT.

It Just Ain't Right

Yo yo diary,

Oh my gosh!! I haven't posted in forever! I am sooo sorry!! I have been soooooo busy! I stopped drinking water to cut out peeing! It has saved me so much time, and I've lost weight!!

So this list contains things that are either awkward, creepy or annoying or some linear combination thereof.

10. The Guacamole Nazi at Chipotle-annoying

I enjoy the chicken burrito with black beans at a little McDonald's owned restaurant I like to call Chipotle. I don't need to be reminded that Guac costs $1.40 extra. And next time you serve me, I want you to dip the spoon way down deep into the guac, pull it out without tapping it on the side of the bin and put the entire spoonful on my burrito.

9. Garfield cartoon-creepy, annoying

This cartoon is disgusting. So the guy lives by himself with his cat and his dog? And the cat controls him. Maybe that's why you don't have a girlfriend: lonely old man in the cartoon. And Garfield does not need to be an enterprise. I don't need a Garfield shirt, mug, pin, sweater, nothing.

8. Chicks that walk around campus with two bags - awkward

Today I was walking to class and saw this chick walking with a book bag and a purse. Then this other chick, who was some kind of speed walking freak-show, passes me, turns out she is also carrying two bags. Hey Ladies, why not 13 bags, one for paper, one for books, one for lip gloss, one for your phone, etc. Sure it's bulky, but super stylish. No, how about consolidating to one bag.

7. Pant leg remaining up from biking - annoying

Hey! Do you ride your bike to school? I couldn't tell, even though you leave one pant leg rolled up for the 7 hours you are at school. That probably saves you like a good 10 seconds, not having to roll it down and then back up again. You are so busy!!

6. Bathroom stall doors - creepy

Bathroom stall doors do not need to open inward. Where in the bathroom is space conservation most needed? By the mirror/hallway that leads to the stalls, or in the tiny-ass stalls themselves? Answer: tiny-ass stalls. Being in a public bathroom is gross enough, then I go to leave the stall and open the door where the distance between the door and the toilet is like 2 inches and I have to jump over the toilet. Hmm, I love being closed in a stall, I think I'll stay and chill for awhile.

5. Old Navy trying on rooms - creepy, annoying, awkward

Today I went to OLD NAVY and as I proceeded to the changing room, I noticed a white board on the door. Then this guy asks me my name so that he can write it on the door. Yeah please, call me by name when I am half naked, only separated by a 4 foot tall door to ask my if I want a complimentary belt. I don't. 

4. Blue tooth head sets - creepy

If you use a blue tooth head set and are not a day trader, then you are a DOUCHE BAG. I don't want to see you in the mall looking at Harry Richies Jeweler for some CZ pendant for your third wife. 

3. Jiffy Lube - creepy, awkward, annoying

I HATE Jiffy Lube. Jiffy Lube makes me want to become an auto-mechanic so I never have to go to Jiffy Lube ever again. The last time I went, the guy shamed me for not going to a Jiffy Lube in over a year. I'm like maybe if you didn't make me want to drive a car with no oil in it, then I would frequent more often.

2. Auto Flush Toilets - annoying, slightly creepy

"I'm not done yet." I don't need the freaky ass toilet magician to flush the toilet for me and decide when I'm done. 

1. E-harmony's old guy - creepy

I don't want someone's 87 year old grandpa setting me up on a date. 

Say What?

This is gross.

Holla

Good afternoon Diary,

Today I mailed off my life savings to the IRS. In honor of such an annoying event, I will post my top ten annoyances for this week.

10. When people say they are busy, have been busy, their life is crazy, etc. It's annoying. Because guess what, everyone is busy. If you're not, you're at home on the couch with no friends. So you have no one to tell that you are busy. It's not a busy competition. Today this guy told me that he had been enjoying the weekend sunshine, and "now he's paying for it." Okay, you win, you're the busiest. I don't care.

9. Angst. Especially expressed in the form of blogging or sad poetry. Keep it to yourself, that means you 12 year old emo kid. Stop reflecting and start doing.

8. The word "anywho." Thank God someone made up this word. Words like "anyhow" or "anyway" were just not cutting it. And no one can ever say anywho in a normal voice. It always has to end with some kind of singing voice. Sick.

7. Evangelical Christians. Be quiet. No one wants their soul saved by some creepy 12 year old on a mission trip. How about everyone is in charge of their own soul. And if I need your help, I know where to find you.

6. Family Circus. Why are you still around? Why are the kids so creepy? And why can't you be in the normal comic strip format? Why are you in a circle?

5. Putting on pillow cases is annoying. Envelopes open along their longest edge, where as pillow cases open along their shortest. This is annoying. Especially when I was training to be a CNA, and we couldn't use our chins to hold the pillow. What, am I some sort of pillow case ninja? So I quit.

4. TAXES. Thanks IRS. Thanks. Thanks so much for funneling a sh*t ton of my money out of my bank account so you can fund your murdering in IRAQ. F U IRS.

3. Geraldo Rivera. You are an ass monkey.

2. The word "preggers." I was in the mall yesterday, and this girl leans over to her friend and says, "So did you hear Nicole is preggers?" The uttering of this word should instantly sterilize you. Your uterus should just seal up and and I sign should drop down from the sky that says, "nope, sorry, hope you like cats."

And the number one most annoying thing is

1. Over-sized shirts with howling wolves, tigers with wings or unicorns on them. What are you doing? Why are you wearing that. Go to Goodwill, look for a shirt that isn't over-sized without a picture of an animal on it. Change into it immediately and pay on the way out. Then, take your shirt with the creepy scifi hybrid hippo-corn and light it on fire.