Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It Just Ain't Right

Yo yo diary,

Oh my gosh!! I haven't posted in forever! I am sooo sorry!! I have been soooooo busy! I stopped drinking water to cut out peeing! It has saved me so much time, and I've lost weight!!

So this list contains things that are either awkward, creepy or annoying or some linear combination thereof.

10. The Guacamole Nazi at Chipotle-annoying
I enjoy the chicken burrito with black beans at a little McDonald's owned restaurant I like to call Chipotle. I don't need to be reminded that Guac costs $1.40 extra. And next time you serve me, I want you to dip the spoon way down deep into the guac, pull it out without tapping it on the side of the bin and put the entire spoonful on my burrito.

9. Garfield cartoon-creepy, annoying
This cartoon is disgusting. So the guy lives by himself with his cat and his dog? And the cat controls him. Maybe that's why you don't have a girlfriend: lonely old man in the cartoon. And Garfield does not need to be an enterprise. I don't need a Garfield shirt, mug, pin, sweater, nothing.

8. Chicks that walk around campus with two bags - awkward
Today I was walking to class and saw this chick walking with a book bag and a purse. Then this other chick, who was some kind of speed walking freak-show, passes me, turns out she is also carrying two bags. Hey Ladies, why not 13 bags, one for paper, one for books, one for lip gloss, one for your phone, etc. Sure it's bulky, but super stylish. No, how about consolidating to one bag.

7. Pant leg remaining up from biking - annoying
Hey! Do you ride your bike to school? I couldn't tell, even though you leave one pant leg rolled up for the 7 hours you are at school. That probably saves you like a good 10 seconds, not having to roll it down and then back up again. You are so busy!!

6. Bathroom stall doors - creepy
Bathroom stall doors do not need to open inward. Where in the bathroom is space conservation most needed? By the mirror/hallway that leads to the stalls, or in the tiny-ass stalls themselves? Answer: tiny-ass stalls. Being in a public bathroom is gross enough, then I go to leave the stall and open the door where the distance between the door and the toilet is like 2 inches and I have to jump over the toilet. Hmm, I love being closed in a stall, I think I'll stay and chill for awhile.

5. Old Navy trying on rooms - creepy, annoying, awkward
Today I went to OLD NAVY and as I proceeded to the changing room, I noticed a white board on the door. Then this guy asks me my name so that he can write it on the door. Yeah please, call me by name when I am half naked, only separated by a 4 foot tall door to ask my if I want a complimentary belt. I don't. 

4. Blue tooth head sets - creepy
If you use a blue tooth head set and are not a day trader, then you are a DOUCHE BAG. I don't want to see you in the mall looking at Harry Richies Jeweler for some CZ pendant for your third wife. 

3. Jiffy Lube - creepy, awkward, annoying
I HATE Jiffy Lube. Jiffy Lube makes me want to become an auto-mechanic so I never have to go to Jiffy Lube ever again. The last time I went, the guy shamed me for not going to a Jiffy Lube in over a year. I'm like maybe if you didn't make me want to drive a car with no oil in it, then I would frequent more often.

2. Auto Flush Toilets - annoying, slightly creepy
"I'm not done yet." I don't need the freaky ass toilet magician to flush the toilet for me and decide when I'm done. 

1. E-harmony's old guy - creepy
I don't want someone's 87 year old grandpa setting me up on a date. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Good afternoon Diary,

Today I mailed off my life savings to the IRS. In honor of such an annoying event, I will post my top ten annoyances for this week.

10. When people say they are busy, have been busy, their life is crazy, etc. It's annoying. Because guess what, everyone is busy. If you're not, you're at home on the couch with no friends. So you have no one to tell that you are busy. It's not a busy competition. Today this guy told me that he had been enjoying the weekend sunshine, and "now he's paying for it." Okay, you win, you're the busiest. I don't care.

9. Angst. Especially expressed in the form of blogging or sad poetry. Keep it to yourself, that means you 12 year old emo kid. Stop reflecting and start doing.

8. The word "anywho." Thank God someone made up this word. Words like "anyhow" or "anyway" were just not cutting it. And no one can ever say anywho in a normal voice. It always has to end with some kind of singing voice. Sick.

7. Evangelical Christians. Be quiet. No one wants their soul saved by some creepy 12 year old on a mission trip. How about everyone is in charge of their own soul. And if I need your help, I know where to find you.

6. Family Circus. Why are you still around? Why are the kids so creepy? And why can't you be in the normal comic strip format? Why are you in a circle?

5. Putting on pillow cases is annoying. Envelopes open along their longest edge, where as pillow cases open along their shortest. This is annoying. Especially when I was training to be a CNA, and we couldn't use our chins to hold the pillow. What, am I some sort of pillow case ninja? So I quit.

4. TAXES. Thanks IRS. Thanks. Thanks so much for funneling a sh*t ton of my money out of my bank account so you can fund your murdering in IRAQ. F U IRS.

3. Geraldo Rivera. You are an ass monkey.

2. The word "preggers." I was in the mall yesterday, and this girl leans over to her friend and says, "So did you hear Nicole is preggers?" The uttering of this word should instantly sterilize you. Your uterus should just seal up and and I sign should drop down from the sky that says, "nope, sorry, hope you like cats."

And the number one most annoying thing is

1. Over-sized shirts with howling wolves, tigers with wings or unicorns on them. What are you doing? Why are you wearing that. Go to Goodwill, look for a shirt that isn't over-sized without a picture of an animal on it. Change into it immediately and pay on the way out. Then, take your shirt with the creepy scifi hybrid hippo-corn and light it on fire.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Oh Snap!

Dear Diary,

This blog is dedicated to lists. Without further ado.

Top ten things I hate about blogs
10. when people apologize for not blogging in a while
9. when said people false promise to be back for good
8. people that mention God as part of their interests in their profile section
7. when people mention their mood, e.g., sassy, sad, hopeful...wretch
6. grammatical mistakes (not capitalizing is cool, get off me)
5. self-importance
4. when people don't give enough detail about some personal problem. if you're going to mention it on your blog, explain the whole situation. don't tease me.
3. blogs without pictures.
2. long paragraphs with no point, ugh

And the #1 thing i hate about blogs

1. blogging about how great your kids are. everyone thinks their kids are great. evolution says if you don't, then you might eat them. then your dna would be in your stomach and you wouldn't be passing it along as you might have hoped.